The problem with Bioshock 2

BioShock-2

Bioshock 2 arrives like crib death…

Buying this game, being excited to play it, then promptly being disappointed in how bad it is; is like winning a million dollar lottery… Only to find out later that you’re actually winning a million Pesos. Yeah, it’s a million, but it’s worthless; yeah, it’s a Bioshock game, but it’s shit… Now, my knowledge in international currency trading/international exchange rates is a bit rusty, but I’m just going to say for the record that a million Pesos probably wouldn’t even buy Bioshock 2.

(Editor’s note: 1 million Mexican pesos = 81,593 U.S. dollars. Do your math next time Brutus!)

So let’s get a few things straight. Bioshock 1 is one of the best games I’ve ever played. Gorgeous art deco style, fantastic first person mechanics, awesome guns, cool upgrades, original bad guys! And for the love of Christ; the game’s story has got to be one of the most original, engaging and sometimes terrifying ever. Rapture and Andrew Ryan are based on Objectivism, the philosophy of Ayn Rand! Who in the world would have thought of that as a basis for a video game?!

Atlas Shrugged, the role of man's mind in existence.

Further, who would have thought making a game based on a philosopher’s beliefs would be able to work? Seriously? I want to know how that pitch meeting went. I like to think it went like this:

Writer: I want to make a video game based on the philosophy of a Soviet exile who moved to America to be in silent films that died in 1980.

Studio: … Are you fucking stupid?

Writer: … No…

These writers must have had balls…

'...and then the girls run around sucking it from the dead, recycling it in their stomachs after swallowing!'

Here is the intrinsic problem with shooter games. To make a shooter game that isn’t a war game is got to be pretty hard. It has to be, why else are there 80,000,000 World War 2 games?! Apparently the assbags who make games now-a-days don’t remember Half-life, Doom, Duke Nukem, Portal and many, many, many others or just don’t have a single original idea left.

Seriously, I’m really sick and tired of killing Germans, Japanese and infrequently sprinkled in Soviet soldiers. Oh yeah, Nazi zombies… I guess that counts. Which by the way, are they really Nazi’s anymore if they are now zombies? Are they Zombies who are Anti-Semitic? No, they are just mindless now. It’s not like you’d say, “It’s a court-stenographer zombie”, the “track and field zombie”, or “It’s an overworked middle-management zombie.” No, they’re just zombies…

Anyway, here is a short list of the Bullcrap WW2 games I could think of in no real order:

1. Call of Duty 1
2. Call of Duty 2
3. Call of Duty 3
4. Call of Duty World at War
5. Call of Duty: United Offensive
6. Call of Duty: Finest Hour
7. Call of Duty: Big Red One (haha)
8. Call of Duty: Roads to Victory
9. Call of Duty: Final Fronts
10. Medal of Honor
11. Medal of Honor: Allied Assault
12. Medal of Honor: Allied Assault – Spearhead
13. Medal of Honor: Allied Assault – Breakthrough
14. Medal of Honor: Pacific Assault
15. Medal of Honor: Airborne
16. Medal of Honor (again)
17. Medal of Honor: Underground
18. Medal of Honor: Rising Sun
19. Medal of Honor: Frontline
20. Medal of Honor: European Assault
21. Medal of Honor: Vanguard
22. Medal of Honor: Heroes 1
23. Medal of Honor: Heroes 2
24. Medal of Honor: Underground
25. Medal of Honor: Infiltrator

I could go further, but I just can’t do it anymore. I just can’t believe that all of the men and women who put in all the time and effort to make these games didn’t stop and say, “Wait, we’re smart and talented. Let’s not kill Germans this time. Let’s make something new.”

To see a more complete list of Bullcrap World War 2 games just go to Wikipedia, they have everything there. Even the definition of Felching: http://(Editor’s note: we’re not linking to that. It’s disgusting, read at your own risk.)

One of the things that made Bioshock 1 so great is that you hadn’t seen anything like it before. Similar to System Shock but original enough to stand on it’s own. Bioshock 2 was doomed from the start because it had to be exactly the same or worse, because you can’t be original in the same way twice. Let me give you an example:

Fallout 3 got extremely positive reviews because you hadn’t seen anything quite like it before. Similar to Elder Scrolls: Oblivion but original enough to stand on it’s own. Fallout: New Vegas while looking very, very similar to Fallout 3 (Oblivion, Fallout 3 and New Vegas all done by Bethesda) will still get generally positive reviews because it’s not in Washington, DC anymore; it’s in an entirely different city with different people, different quests and a totally different atmosphere. Bioshock 2 is in Rapture, it can’t leave Rapture, it’s doomed to be the exact same thing, with the exception of the Big Sisters who are just Little Sisters from the first game.

(Author’s note to the reader: For the purposes of this review I will henceforth be referring to Bioshock 2 as “My Butthole.”)

Anyway back to Bioshock 2 My Butthole. You’re probably asking yourself, “What’s the problem with Bioshock 2 My Butthole?” I guess I’d have to say the main issue I have with Bioshock 2 My Butthole is that it doesn’t need to exist at all. Bioshock 2 My Butthole offers nothing new or interesting and isn’t fun at all.

The first thing that happens in Bioshock 2 My Butthole is that Sofia Lamb (the bad guy) shoots you in the head. THE END! THIS IS WHERE THE GAME SHOULD END! WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?! I’ll TELL YOU WHERE; TO A CONTRIVED STORY WRITTEN BY A BUNCH OF RETARDED ASS CLOWNS WHO DIDN’T PLAY THE FIRST GAME. (note: I realized Fallout: New Vegas starts the same way. However, I give a lot of leeway to artistic competence and to games that don’t lick the cat’s butt.)

After being shot in the head you fall to the ground and then wake up 10 years later… That’s right, you wake up ten years later in the same place you fell. Apparently your body healed just fine from the giant hole in your head by not moving, eating or receiving medical attention for a decade. Whatever…

After that a bunch of bullshit happens, blah, blah, blah. Here’s another problem with Bioshock 2 My Butthole. You find a bunch of tapes just like in the first game, some of them are of Sofia Lamb debating Andrew Ryan (the founder of Rapture) in a public setting. Not in itself that big of an issue, but here are the main problems as I see in Bioshock 2 My Butthole :

1. Sofia Lamb is a communist. Why would she move to a city that is built by and for hardcore capitalists? That doesn’t make sense. At Andrew Ryan’s core (and Ayn Rand’s) he’s a right-wing anarchist. Sofia Lamb moving to Rapture is like an atheist going to church, or anyone with a 5th grade education going to church.

2. If Sofia Lamb is such a powerful force in Rapture that she can publicly debate Andrew Ryan, then WHERE WAS SHE IN THE FIRST GAME?!?!?! She wasn’t mentioned by anyone, ever, at anytime. Not… Ever… Not… Once… WTF?

3. You are the weakest Big Daddy ever. If I remember correctly, the Big Daddy’s in the first game where a bitch to kill. But apparently you’re a Big Daddy that has broken glass and rusty nails in his suit. They must have been put there while you slumbered on the ground for ten years because everyone can kill you with the slightest touch.

So, in the first game saving the Little Sisters gave you a bonus in “Adam” and allowed you to level up more. In Bioshock 2 My Butthole, you get nothing. I just got my butt pounded by Big Sisters.

4. Canonwise, you saved the Little Sisters at the end of Bioshock 1 and left Rapture with them. That’s why Sofia Lamb kidnapped little girls from the US eastern seaboard and from western Europe. So if you freed all the Little Sisters in the first game; then who are the Big Sisters?

5. You’re a Big Daddy; fuck plasmids and guns… All I want to do is to drill the crap out of everyone in Bioshock 2 My Butthole. Now some of you are going to say, “But Brutus, you can use the drill in Bioshock 2 My Butthole.” Yes, you can use the drill in Bioshock 2 My Butthole, but it requires gas… How gay is that? I can’t even think of an analogy of how lame that is… Wait, yes I can. Having your hand-drill-thingy require gas is lamer than masturbating with a condom. What the fuck is that about? Seriously? C’mon!!!

6. I could go on and on, but just a little thing that has always gotten me. What are the Splicers, Big Daddys, Big Sisters, eccentric weirdos, Tenenbaum and Sofia Lamb eating at the bottom of the ocean without the services that Rapture provided before the society collapsed? And don’t say Sea Slugs because that’s just silly…

To sum up I’ll say this:

Every time I play Bioshock 2 with My Butthole I feel worse and worse about myself. I fell like I’m doing something wrong. For the first little bit it was okay, but then I just felt dirtier and dirtier. Half way through I didn’t even want to finish playing Bioshock 2 with My Butthole. I’ve even tried watching others play Bioshock 2 with My Butthole; I’ve sought out others opinion on Bioshock 2 My Butthole to see their take on it; I’ve even tried playing Bioshock 2 with My Butthole online to see if that’s an experience that I’d find enjoyable; and it still doesn’t feel any better. It still feels like something is missing. The plot holes are so huge; you’d need to put a giant plug in Bioshock 2 My Butthole to make it feel good.

The bottom line is this: Bioshock 2 My Butthole stinks. In fact, it wreaks. With a lame story that adds nothing to the overall canon, plot holes so big, it’s like throwing hotdogs down a hallway, bad guys that have no reason to exist, Bioshock 2 My Butthole is something that you should avoid at all costs.

Now go play Fallout…

About the author

They say the truly intelligent don't have to use 4-letter words to get their point across...

One Comment

  1. br1ggs says:

    Harsh… but good lol.

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